How Do I Deal With My Child Going Off To College?

I remember the day I brought my firstborn home from the hospital. I remember looking down at him and thinking, “He’ll never be this small again.”

That memory came to me the day he graduated from high school. And again, this time accompanied by a lump in my throat, on the day I said goodbye to him as he started college.

My work was done. The little boy who needed me was now a man of 18, bigger than me, and he didn’t need me any more. Or at least, that’s what it felt like.

As parents, doing our job effectively usually means working our way out of that job. So, the day your child goes off to college can be a bittersweet time – there is the joy of seeing your child testing their wings out and beginning to fly. And there is also the sadness of seeing your child beginning to fly…on their own.

It can be hard to process all of the conflicting feelings that come with your child starting college, and so it’s important to acknowledge that there can be happiness mixed with grief and that that is completely normal.

Allow yourself to mourn.

While some parents have been preparing for this moment since their child first arrived, and other parents find that the years have suddenly flown by and are taken by surprise that this day has come, it’s ok to feel sadness about your child no longer being as present in your life on a day-to-day basis. Eighteen years of familiarity and nearness can be hard to let go of. Even though your child could only be 20 minutes away in a dorm room, the adjustment to one less family member in the home and one less familiar face to see on a daily basis can be a bumpy one that is hard to negotiate at first. Allow yourself to acknowledge that and, as much as possible, give yourself time to grieve the change.

Be prepared for cold feet.

Sometimes, the doubts come days before your child moves out of the home. Sometimes, they come on the day of the move. Sometimes, they come bubbling to the surface in the days and weeks after your child leaves home. Know that these doubts and hesitation are common and are not always a sign that the wrong decision was made. Encourage your child to become involved in campus activities or groups and to take advantage of support offered by the college/university, such as counseling services. Remind yourself that doubts are normal and not a sign that you need to intervene right away – be a comforting resource for your child without rushing in to fix the situation.

Give yourself time and space to process the changes in your life and your family.

Group dynamics tend to change when individuals enter or leave the system. And while your child has not technically left the family, in leaving the family home, the dynamics between those still within home are likely to change. Relationships with partners may have to adjust as worries about coordinating schedules for extracurricular activities and making sure homework is done lessen – children who are still at home may need to adjust to not having their sibling around and having more parental attention focused on them, and changes like this can impact you and your interactions with family members. If you were a more involved parent – perhaps a team parent or the parent who did a lot of the driving for activities, for instance – the extra time that is suddenly freed up can feel overwhelming and difficult to fill. Know that it will take time to adjust to the new normal and that is ok.

Refocus on transitioning your role as a parent to a college student

While you may no longer need to manage your child’s life or be a daily guide for them, you still have an important role to play in your child’s life. You can be the sounding board for your collegian’s fears, the cheerleader for their wins, and the steadying voice of experience as they explore their new world.

Take advantage of the supports you have around you – whether that’s family, friends, or other parents. If you still find yourself struggling, reach out to a therapist or counselor and make an appointment to talk.

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