What Are Healthy Relationship Boundaries?
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – unknown author
I remember the day I came across this quote. I was struck by the simplicity and the truth of what was being said – the implication that boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships and being a healthy person. By not having boundaries, you are doing either yourself or someone else (or perhaps, both of you) a disservice.
A decent number of people think that boundaries mean you can or are telling people how to act. As an unabashed Reddit reader, I see this a lot in the relationship forums – people writing in and either they or someone they are in a relationship with doesn’t understand what a boundary is. A great one I read recently was a writer stating that her boyfriend would not allow anyone to use the restroom at his home after 10 pm, labelling it a boundary of his and demanding that the writer “respect” it and then getting upset when she left because she needed to use the restroom after 10 pm.
That’s not a boundary. (And it’s not reasonable either).
A boundary is a way of asserting through your own behavior what you will and/or will not accept – and it allows the other person to make a choice as to their own behavior/response. Some people worry about being cheated on by a partner. A healthy boundary related to this might be, if you cheat on me, I will end the relationship. An unhealthy boundary related to this might be demanding that the partner regularly check in during the day in order to “prove” that they are not cheating.
In addition, boundaries can – and should – differ based on the relationship. It is reasonable for the parent of a teenage child to set a boundary that the child must check-in when he or she arrives at their trip destination if they are going to be allowed to use the family car for travel; it is not as reasonable for a parent to set that boundary for an adult child who is married with children. Some couples agree to have an open phone policy with each other where they can check each other’s phones with no issue in order to build/keep trust – imagine trying to enforce that with a coworker!
Boundaries are important in parent-child relationships and help to maintain healthy roles. It is not healthy for parents to treat their children in the same way they may treat a friend or partner – children are not mature enough nor psychologically equipped to be a confidante to a parent. Complaining about the other parent or expecting the child to be the emotional support system for a parent is dysfunctional and can lead to a child feeling as though he/she cannot lead their own life and must accommodate their parent to neglect of their own personal needs. Healthy boundaries can provide space for a child to grow and explore the world at a developmentally appropriate level, and they can help an adult be more effective at parenting.
It can be difficult at times to know what is and is not a healthy boundary – or what to do when a boundary is crossed. Talking to a therapist can be helpful in figuring out what healthy boundaries in your life need to look like and how to enforce them. If you feel that you are struggling with setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, feel free to reach out to one of the therapists at Horizon Psychological Services to find out more.
